"You need to forgive them." You have heard this a hundred times. From your pastor. From your family. From the predator themselves. And every time, the implication is the same: forgiveness means going back. Forgiveness means restoring the relationship. Forgiveness means giving them another chance.
That is not what forgiveness means. And conflating forgiveness with reconciliation keeps people trapped in dark rooms.
What Forgiveness Actually Is
Forgiveness is releasing the debt. It is choosing not to carry bitterness, resentment, or the desire for revenge. It is a decision you make for your own freedom, not for the predator's benefit. Forgiveness is between you and God. It does not require the other person to be present, repentant, or even aware.
Forgiveness does not mean pretending the abuse did not happen. It does not mean minimizing the damage. It does not mean trusting someone who has proven themselves untrustworthy. It does not mean returning to a dangerous situation.
What Reconciliation Requires
Reconciliation requires two parties. It requires genuine repentance, which means changed behavior over sustained time, not just words. It requires accountability structures. It requires the offending party to take full responsibility without minimizing, deflecting, or blaming the victim.
If the predator in your life has not demonstrated sustained, verifiable change, reconciliation is not biblical. It is dangerous. And anyone pressuring you toward reconciliation without these prerequisites is either naive or complicit.
When "Forgive" Means "Shut Up"
Pay attention to who is telling you to forgive and what they gain from your silence. If the predator's allies are pressuring you to forgive, it is not about your spiritual growth. It is about restoring the system that benefited them. Forgiveness wielded as pressure is not pastoral care. It is manipulation.
You can forgive someone fully and never speak to them again. You can forgive someone fully and still press charges. You can forgive someone fully and still protect yourself and your children with iron boundaries. These are not contradictions. They are wisdom.
The full theology of forgiveness in the context of abuse is explored in The Dark Room and Breaking Free from Jezebel.